Beer today, gone tomorrow.

Twelve years ago I fucked you in the ass on christmas eve in your parents living room by the light of the tree. I remember you smoking a cigarette afterwards and not saying anything. You didn’t smoke back then and you are rarely silent about how you feel.

A few months ago we were talking and you told me you’ve never had an orgasm like that since.It’s strange what happens over the years and how time changes somethings and not others.

“We were young and didn’t know what we were doing, but you’re still the best fuck I’ve ever had.”

We’ve been friends for 18 years.
Fuck, really? 18 years?

This year might be different. I’m not sure if we’re still friends? I actually wonder if we’ve been friends all these years? Maybe I’ve just been something solid for you to hold onto in the darker times that have hit. Something to hold up to the light and use to feel ok. An idea, a concept. I don’t feel like this is an equal exchange anymore.

I don’t know if I need to work on my shit around forgiveness or not, but I don’t feel like I need to waver around in my resolve with you while I try and figure it out.

“So long and thanks for all the shoes. -NOFX” is what you texted me.

Thanks for leaving me high and dry. Thanks for the jokes and stories, and not saying good bye. You’re beautiful but you haven’t changed.

Break It Down

47 days sober and smoke free.

I’ve been falling behind on journaling, creating and working on this tumblr project.

I feel like I hit a wall again. It happens sometimes, hard and fast. I’ll start feeling like I’m on a roll with everything. As if I have the full energy, intelligence and ability to keep going, to build more drive and focus. Then my heart drops out of my chest, or… I don’t know?

It seems like so much shit has happened in my life. Right now, it all feels horribly overwhelming and unsorted. Like it’s all just been dumped out into a shitty pile of experiences. Thoughts and feelings that I’m expected to sort through and put back together. How am I supposed to remember the order of things? And why do I care so much if a lot of it is shit that I wish had never happened anyway?

Why should I feel like this?
This over bearing feeling that all the bad has taken over the all good.

And I feel like you stole my 20′s from me.
You berated me and held me back from my full potential.
You hit me, yelled at me, isolated me.
You held me down and fucked my body.

And you wouldn’t let me find the words to ask for help.
You stole those words from me and twisted me into crazy.
And, even if I had found those words,
the world is so full of people just like you,
and they don’t want to listen.

They don’t give a shit about what I have to say.
And the ones who want to care are all still to broken to know how to save themselves.

I woke one year four months and twenty one days ago,
and I wasn’t 20 any more.
I wasn’t going to be 20something ever again.
And you can’t ever fucking take that from me.

I’ll never give up what I am to become.

You can chase me,
You can catch me,
But you’ll never take my spirit.

Moar Mental Health

I’ve been hanging out alone a lot lately, thinking about a lot of things. Trying to dismantle my (incorrect) ideas of “success” and “adulting”. Thinking about and trying to recognize what ways I’ve exceeded my own expectations with my life and where I’m at. I’m trying to learn to believe in myself more. I want to feel proud of myself and my accomplishments.
A good friend of mine pointed out to me that being hyper vigilant of things that are happening can be part of the process of recovery from trauma.
They also pointed out that it’s really, very usual for abuse survivors to normalize the behaviour of side stepping their own feelings in situations in order to appease the other person/people. That it’s a fear response. A lot of survivors of domestic abuse have normalized this fear response out of the necessity for survival in situations/relationships where it can actually be dangerous to “have feelings” (or express feelings that deviate from what the abuser has set as acceptable).
I’ve noticed myself doing this in my every day life, and it’s becoming more apparent to me.
I am sometimes (often?) actually afraid to express when someone’s hurt me. Because, in my past, that could of meant being subjected to a yelling match, or being berated, or gaslighted, or having a plate of spaghetti thrown at my head. A chair stuck in the wall.
A hole punched through the door.
Another reason to go to the liquor store… and it’s all my fault.
This was few years of my life, a few long years.
A life, a life time, lived a lifetime ago, and it’ll never leave me.

So, please be careful when you look at someone and say “he has a history of shitty behaviour, but I trust he’s changed, because you wouldn’t put up with that shit.”
because, I know I’m smart, I know I’m strong, I know I don’t put up with shit and I very very much know that nothing is as simple as it seems.
And please take care when you look at your friends and think “they’re strong, they’re outspoken, they know themselves so well”
Because, although that could be the truth, we are all capable of living in dualities.
And sometimes those dualities can become a stagnant and horrible hell that is impossible to navigate, and even worse when you’re friends have an unwavering opinion of your abilities and you feel like you have to live up to those expectations.
I’ve been wondering how I can be a better person, but I suppose I’ve been thinking about that a lot for quite a few years.
So, I’m just going to fucking do it.

A repost written by tumblr user art–felt

“I remember first learning that you can cry from any emotion, that emotions are chemical levels in your brain and your body is constantly trying to maintain equilibrium. so if one emotion sky rockets, that chemical becomes flagged and signals the tear duct to open as an exit to release that emotion packaged neatly within a tear. Everything made sense after learning that. That sudden stability of your emotions after crying. How crying is often accompanied by the inability to feel any other emotion in that precise moment. And it is especially beautiful knowing that it is even possible to experience so much beauty or love or happiness that your body literally can’t hold on to all of it. So what I’ve learned is that crying signifies that you are feeling as much as humanely possible and that is living to the fullest extent. So keep feeling and cry often and as much as needed.”

 

This might help make sense of the last while of my life.

Learning How To Feel Again

The other day I ate a box of pocky for breakfast while writing in my note book. I spent that day walking, talking, going to a show, visiting with people.
Patiently waiting to go to sleep so I could wake up and go to the greyhound and meet a friend. Patiently waiting to see them, hear their thoughts and ideas.

It’s 3 days later and I’ve done a lot of things. I played a show for the first time in years, took my friend back to the bus station, visited with long lost pals. Now my friends are sleeping or working and I’m in limbo. When should I go home?
And sometimes I feel like the core of myself is built out of ramshackle patience. Tied and taped together with other little things to add edge. That, if I’m not careful while I climb to the top of my being looking for my truth, my whole self will collapse. If I’m not careful or cautious of my foot hold, I’ll bring my whole self down.

I’ve had more feelings lately. Or maybe I’ve always had these feelings but someone came and took out the shit that was in the way and now I can feel them. Because I’ve cried before, but not like this.

And I’ve felt hopelessly hopeful before, but with more definition.
I’ve been shook up and and down by this life. I’ve been too burnt to want to say I could believe in anything. I’ve been lost and tired and scared.

And right now, today, in this moment, I’m not sure what I feel. I’m not used to things being good or ok. I’m not used to believing in everything all at once. I’m not used to these intense emotions I feel for some of the people in my life or feeling this fucking hard.

Ivy came and laid next to me this morning with words and encouragement and humour. She told me that I make her feel like a better person than she thinks she is. I inspire her to find drive to believe that all of us can find a way to be OK, some how. She does the same thing to me.

Are You Dissociating?

I don’t think a lot of folks realize how much this can effect the life of a survivor. I didn’t know for an incredibly long time in my life how much disassociating had effected me.  It’s something that I’ve struggled with over the years and comes in waves of intensity. Trying to push through and be present when things seem very surreal is really hard and, at times, impossible. Reading things that validate my experience has become a very important part of my fight to make sense of this world. I think it’s important for folks to seek information about things that deeply effect those around them so we can make a mutual attempt to be there for each other.

This is a repost written by a now defunct tumblr account member (as far as I can tell?)

Dissociating is one of the most common responses to abuse and trauma. It involves feeling numb, detached or unreal and (while it happens to everyone once in a while) is experienced more frequently and severely in survivors. Dissociating people vary widely in symptoms and may experience any or all of the things from the following list.

You may be dissociating if you:

• find yourself staring at one spot, not thinking anything
• feel completely numb
• feel like you’re not really in your body, like you’re watching yourself in a movie.
• feel suddenly lightheaded or dizzy
• lose the plot of the show or conversation you were focused on
• feel as if you’re not quite real, like you’re in a dream
• feel like you’re floating
• suddenly feel like you’re not a part of the world around you
• feel detached and far away from other people, who may seem mechanical or unreal to you
• are very startled when someone/something gets your attention
• completely forget what you were thinking just a moment ago
• suddenly cover your face or react as if you’re about to be hurt for no reason
• can’t remember important information about yourself, like your age or where you live
• find yourself rocking back and forth
• become very focused on a small or trivial object or event
• find that voices, sounds or writing seem far away and you sometimes have trouble understanding them.
• feel as if you’ve just experienced a flashback (perhaps rapidly) but you can’t remember anything about it.
• perceive your body as foreign or not belonging to you

 

“To pretend that ending a relationship with an abusive partner is a matter of packing up and leaving is an act of willful ignorance…”

-Carmen Rios (from the article “Stop Asking Already: 6 Reasons Why Intimate Partner Violence Survivors Stay In Their Relationships)

 

I’ve been reading a lot. There was some stuff today that got me thinking about some things someone I thought I cared for said to me a while ago about me having been in an abusive relationship and how I was basically to blame for what had happened to me because I didn’t just leave. I didn’t call the cops. I didn’t “do anything” to stop it. How hurtful they were about their judgments and how they just didn’t really know that they were being hurtful because they couldn’t relate (that’s me being too nice)…Because they couldn’t unlearn their problematic opinions and step back from their privilege and challenge themselves (that’s more like it)… then I kinda got really sad, then angry, then went on a reading tangent and ended up all over the place.

So, reading, It’s a thing I do. Sometimes I do it just out of my thirst to understanding the world (or myself) better. Sometimes I read as a form of self care. Sometimes I read because it’s grounding and brings me back to a place of healthy thinking. It centres me inside myself and helps remind me of my truths. I guess reading is a form of meditation?

Heres some articles, I’ll just leave them right here. Makes it easy to be more smarter. Reading! (Also, now I can find these later when I want to reference them!)

-An article about why people stay in abusive relationships  http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/01/why-ipv-survivors-stay/

-An infographic on the incarceration of women and domestic abuse (I highly  recommend clicking and reading the linked stories)
http://feministing.com/2015/01/29/infographic-of-the-day-the-incarceration-of-domestic-abuse-survivors/

-Another infographic about gun violence against women in america (did I ever mention that I’m an anarchist? fuck borders, also, the threat of gun violence against women is very real in Canada. Very very real.)
http://feministing.com/2014/07/15/infographic-how-gun-background-checks-save-womens-lives/

-Hey! A video! About the “friend zone” because it fits in the vein of this post
“Thinking you are owed something for not being an ass hole, makes you an ass hole”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xju7KjJbR0

And a comic about being ableist!
http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/12/ableist-assumptions-comic/

woah…somehow I ended up on some fake feminist pro-life page…

I’m tired. Maybe I’ll add more later.

When a man says no, it’s the end of discussion. When a woman says no, it’s the beginning of negotiation. — Gavin De Becker

Late Spring 2k16

“If he cares more about forcing you into a relationship than respecting your decision or your boundaries, that’s a sign of his entitlement complex at work. It’s about proving that he deserves to possess you.” “Someone should fall in love with you, not their own idea of you. Don’t feel pressured into fulfilling someone’s fantasy of who they expect you to be and how they expect you to feel.” http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/04/stalking-behavior-not-normal/   Just recently, a past partner has been texting me almost obsessively with expectations of how much and in what ways I should be expected to make myself and my support available for him (this is after a mutual agreement to cease communication for a few months). Of course, this got me thinking, which got me reading, which got me expanding my critical analysis (of everything). The thing is, I didn’t date this person for super long, and I broke up with them a few months ago after it became apparent that they had no intention on actually hearing my boundaries or statements about who I am, what I want, what I’m capable of and what I need. They knew of my history (both recent and past) of abusive relationships and experiences with assault. I was pretty clear about myself and where I was headed. I’m not getting married. I never want children. I’m a gender fucked, queer, radical, disabled, on the road to totally sober, feminist, survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence. I’ve got a chip on my shoulder and a wagon full of rage. I guess what I’m kind of getting at is that setting boundaries is important. You should only have to explain them once. If you feel like you have to explain them again (and again and again), it’s a pretty good indication of someones ability to listen and hear you (and respect you). Taking care of yourself comes first. You should never be expected to be emotionally (sexually, physically, socially, etc) available to anyone on their whim unless you consensually (and non coercively) are agreeing to and fully capable of doing so. It’s always ok to say no. In fact, saying No is fucking excellent. Saying “No” should be just as celebrated as a “Yes”. Although, I do love a good, true-hearted Yes. (consent is sexy, duh!) (ugh… considering my track record, I wonder why I would date at all, and I guess I don’t do it too often, but then I remember the amazing, beautiful people who’ve changed my life, romantic involvement or not)

Captain NoFun from Quits Everything Town

2k16

Half Hearted Give Up, 2016. // Quitting smoking 2.0 // Try Or Die.

Everyone loves a quitter. // Captain NoFun from Quits Everything town.

_________________________________________________________________

My body gets so tired and sore so easily lately. I’m not drinking anymore, I quit coffee, smoking is for jerks.

I didn’t get out of bed until noon today.

I haven’t smoked all day and i’m getting damn cynical and I might die this time, so let this be my final will and testament:

-To my brother Alasdair, I leave my stuffed toy cat. The one he always tried to steal from me as a kid.

-Divide the rest of my crap how you want.

-Don’t be embarrassed if you find sex toys.

-Burn my body.

-Play the X Files theme song at my funeral (<3 U Chris Carter!!1! LOLOMFG)

PTSD as a result of abuse in early development

hollowedskin:

hollowedskin:

PTSD is a chronic illness and depending on your history, it might never be gone completely. Especially if that trauma was ongoing and happened young, before your brain is fully formed. And thats pretty much any age under 25.
25!? Yeah.
So the reason the shit that happened when you were a pre-teen or a teenager? That’s why it’s still not ok.
That’s why you might not be experiencing your expected results from therapy, because it’s not enough to treat your trauma as though you are/were an adult.

Popular theory states that it’s only in early childhood development that ongoing trauma or abuse* forces physical and permanent changes in the brain, because it’s still forming.

But the fact is that human brains aren’t fully formed until adulthood
(which can be between 18 and 25 – the same reason you can’t get car insurance till then and why they say you shouldn’t drink) and this extreme trauma forces the brain into what is essentially a ‘reset’ state, where it then adapts to the environment of constant abuse and is harmed in exactly the same way.

(*Abuse can be physical, sexual, emotional, mental, or environmental (neglect, emotional neglect etc), and/or being witness to extreme ongoing abuse of someone else.)

So what’s the damage?

Well there is a few things that happen.

Trauma affects what children anticipate and focus on (y’all are children till you’re adults in terms of brains remember), and how you can view and understand the information that you receive.

Changes in how you perceive threats because of trauma end up being expressed in how you think, feel, behave and even how you regulate your biological systems.

This presents in problems with

• self regulation (being able to start or stop doing something when you think you should, overeating or over-doing anything really is a good example of this)
• aggression against themselves and others
• problems with attention and dissociation
• physical problems (I will expand upon this later)
• difficulties in self concept (who am I, what am I, believing you have worth, believing you are a person, etc)
• and the capacity to negotiate satisfactory interpersonal relationships. (Why do I keep ending up in abusive relationships, why can’t I make friends or connect with people etc)

Trauma is so powerful because the amygdala starts functioning almost immediately after birth; children rapidly are able to experience fear and assess danger. Babies get scared even when they can’t think properly because of this.

Basically, early abuse and neglect can affect the development of the limbic system which makes individuals with traumatic histories to become highly sensitive to sensory input, which is known as hypervigilance.

Your amigdala is part of the limbic system that controls instinct, your “lizard brain” that keeps you safe and controls your “fight, flight, freeze, or feign” instinct. (The amigdala and the limbic system are so heavily affected by this hypervigilance that I am going to write a whole nother post just on it’s effects on the body.)

SO. We now know PTSD from your developmental years is more damaging than if the same abuse occured later in life.

That’s why regular therapy focusing only on CBT might not be enough, that’s why you might not be fully recovered when you feel like you should be. And there are heaps of us with this shit. So you’re not alone, and now that we know why, we’re going to get through it.

I’m capping this off with some important notes:

• ongoing abuse of any kind between the ages of ‘born’ and 25 will result in the same physiological and mental damage as abuse as a child
• Abuse can be emotional, physical, sexual, or environmental. It can be from a caregiver or from a relationship you chose to enter. Abuse is abuse is abuse and it affects us profoundly.
• Many of you reading this might actually have been told (like me) that  because of your PTSD symptoms you must have also experienced abuse that you don’t remember as a small child. This is not necessarily true.
  (NOTE: for some people it might be true as well. do not use this to invalidate people or i will come for you. This part honestly is here because you have no idea how relieved I am to know that there doesn’t have to be more horrible memories lurking in my head)
• Trauma affects our ability to process information, to retain information, and to process threats. This means that sometimes everything is a threat (hypervigilance) and sometimes we don’t know what is abusive because that’s our normal.
• Being constantly surrounded by potential threats results in hypervigilance. Hypervigilance is when you are so hyperaroused (sensory arousal not sexual) that you are trying to anticipate the reactions and read the emotions of the people you interact with to be prepared and stay safe. It is constantly being in a crisis state, and it is exhausting. You know when you’re so wired you’re trying to see out the back of your head and you can hear which room your neighbour is walking to? That.
• This shit makes you physically sick. Asthma, allergies, immune disorders, fibro, lupus, chronic fatigue, osteoarthritis, osteoperosis, gastrointestinal disorders, migrane, vertigo, vomiting and constant nausea are some of the possible physical symptoms.
• Mental health wise you get depression, anxiety, self harm, dissasociative disorders, and DID.

That’s it for my intro to PTSD from trauma during developmental years. Which I need to find a shorter name for.

Next up I’ll be discussing the physical changes that this trauma causes in the brain, and how it affects our bodies.

Stay safe,
Hollow.

kthabits Source: hollowedskin