Everyone loves a quitter 3.0
Two weeks sober. My last time stamp on that shit was over 3 months ago. I made it 90 days without drinking. A week or so less than that without smoking. Then I went full rage.
Picked up smoking harder than I left off and then hit full on with a pretty harsh bender a bit later. Mental health semi-crisis either dampened by drinking or made worse, not sure on the verdict with that.
I’ll quit smoking again soon, one day.
I’ve been thinking a lot more and writing a lot less.
Flailing around in my life, not sleeping enough and trying to sleep too much. Anxiety, feelings, talking, thinking. I’ve been listening to a lot of stories.
I’ve been around the feeling spectrum and back again with a running start.
Falling in love with ideas, thoughts, places, moments, friends and dreams.
Missing people who feel too far away, but are so close to me.
Holding fast to my never ending quest for truth and my genuine thirst to just feel ok. My desire to feel real.
I feel unsettled in this world, but my grasp on the things that hold me close to it has grown stronger and more self assured.
A few things have happened the last two months that really bring to light how I don’t need to understand everything. That some people aren’t good, they just aren’t, not for me anyway. Letting go of trying to understand that fact is getting easier (not easy).
Every moment that passes, I get closer to knowing my full self in totality of who and what I am and want to become.
I’m a victim, a survivor, a warrior. I’m scared, brave, angry, calm and collected. I’m a beautiful mess. I am real, not perfect. I’m wild.
The people who love me and care for me embrace all the aspects of what makes my person and won’t ask me to change my core.
I was told today by a friend that I am fierce and kind.
I said to them “don’t throw anyone under the bus, be the bus”. I’ve been saying that a lot lately.
I told them “you are beautiful and strong”.
I asked them “please stay safe”.
I thought to myself “you’re doing a good job at letting your friends know you love them.”
I read once “the wilder your heart beats, the sweeter you love”. And when I read that again this morning, after so many years of it being a concept, I knew that’s why I hurt so much when people aren’t true. I knew that’s why I care so much for the ones I believe in. I know that’s why I miss people so much sometimes it makes me feel sick. I know that’s why I love so strongly and live so hard.
Hold on to what brings life into your world, pals, because it’s a bumpy ride and things will never be easy, but they can be OK.
OK isn’t perfect, but there’s a strange and beautiful perfection in the flaws.
Please stay safe.