Break It Down

47 days sober and smoke free.

I’ve been falling behind on journaling, creating and working on this tumblr project.

I feel like I hit a wall again. It happens sometimes, hard and fast. I’ll start feeling like I’m on a roll with everything. As if I have the full energy, intelligence and ability to keep going, to build more drive and focus. Then my heart drops out of my chest, or… I don’t know?

It seems like so much shit has happened in my life. Right now, it all feels horribly overwhelming and unsorted. Like it’s all just been dumped out into a shitty pile of experiences. Thoughts and feelings that I’m expected to sort through and put back together. How am I supposed to remember the order of things? And why do I care so much if a lot of it is shit that I wish had never happened anyway?

Why should I feel like this?
This over bearing feeling that all the bad has taken over the all good.

And I feel like you stole my 20′s from me.
You berated me and held me back from my full potential.
You hit me, yelled at me, isolated me.
You held me down and fucked my body.

And you wouldn’t let me find the words to ask for help.
You stole those words from me and twisted me into crazy.
And, even if I had found those words,
the world is so full of people just like you,
and they don’t want to listen.

They don’t give a shit about what I have to say.
And the ones who want to care are all still to broken to know how to save themselves.

I woke one year four months and twenty one days ago,
and I wasn’t 20 any more.
I wasn’t going to be 20something ever again.
And you can’t ever fucking take that from me.

I’ll never give up what I am to become.

You can chase me,
You can catch me,
But you’ll never take my spirit.

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