I’ve been hanging out alone a lot lately (story of my life), thinking about a lot of things. Trying to dismantle my (incorrect) ideas of “success” and “adulting”. Thinking about and trying to recognize what ways I’ve exceeded my own expectations with my life and where I’m at. I’m trying to learn to believe in myself more. I want to feel proud of myself and my accomplishments.
A good friend of mine pointed out to me that being hyper vigilant of things that are happening can be part of the process of recovery from trauma.
They also pointed out that it’s really, very usual for abuse survivors to normalize the behaviour of side stepping their own feelings in situations in order to appease the other person/people. That it’s a fear response. A lot of survivors of domestic abuse have normalized this fear response out of the necessity for survival in situations/relationships where it can actually be dangerous to “have feelings” (or express feelings that deviate from what the abuser has set as acceptable).
I’ve noticed myself doing this in my every day life, and it’s becoming more apparent to me.
I am sometimes (often?) actually afraid to express when someone’s hurt me. Because, in my past, that could of meant being subjected to a yelling match, or being berated, or gaslighted, or having a plate of spaghetti thrown at my head. A chair stuck in the wall.
A hole punched through the door.
Another reason to go to the liquor store… and it’s all my fault.
This was few years of my life, a few long years.
A life, a life time, lived a lifetime ago, and it’ll never leave me.
So, please be careful when you look at someone and say “he has a history of shitty behaviour, but I trust he’s changed, because you wouldn’t put up with that shit.”
because, I know I’m smart, I know I’m strong, I know I don’t put up with shit and I very very much know that nothing is as simple as it seems.
And please take care when you look at your friends and think “they’re strong, they’re outspoken, they know themselves so well”
Because, although that could be the truth, we are all capable of living in dualities.
And sometimes those dualities can become a stagnant and horrible hell that is impossible to navigate, and even worse when you’re friends have an unwavering opinion of your abilities and you feel like you have to live up to those expectations.
I’ve been wondering how I can be a better person, but I suppose I’ve been thinking about that a lot for quite a few years.
So, I’m just going to fucking do it.