When a man says no, it’s the end of discussion. When a woman says no, it’s the beginning of negotiation. — Gavin De Becker

Late Spring 2k16


“If he cares more about forcing you into a relationship than respecting your decision or your boundaries, that’s a sign of his entitlement complex at work. It’s about proving that he deserves to possess you.”

“Someone should fall in love with you, not their own idea of you. Don’t feel pressured into fulfilling someone’s fantasy of who they expect you to be and how they expect you to feel.”



Just recently, a past partner has been texting me almost obsessively with expectations of how much and in what ways I should be expected to make myself and my support available for him (this is after a mutual agreement to cease communication for a few months).

Of course, this got me thinking, which got me reading, which got me expanding my critical analysis (of everything).

The thing is, I didn’t date this person for super long, and I broke up with them a few months ago after it became apparent that they had no intention on actually hearing my boundaries or statements about who I am, what I want, what I’m capable of and what I need. They knew of my history (both recent and past) of abusive relationships and experiences with assault. I was pretty clear about myself and where I was headed.

I’m not getting married. I never want children. I’m a gender fucked, queer, radical, disabled, on the road to totally sober, feminist, survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence.

I’ve got a chip on my shoulder and a wagon full of rage.

I guess what I’m kind of getting at is that setting boundaries is important. You should only have to explain them once. If you feel like you have to explain them again (and again and again), it’s a pretty good indication of someones ability to listen and hear you (and respect you).

Taking care of yourself comes first. You should never be expected to be emotionally (sexually, physically, socially, etc) available to anyone on their whim unless you consensually (and non coercively) are agreeing to and fully capable of doing so.

It’s always ok to say no.

In fact, saying No is fucking excellent. Saying “No” should be just as celebrated as a “Yes”.

Although, I do love a good, true-hearted Yes.

(consent is sexy, duh!)

(ugh… considering my track record, I wonder why I would date at all, and I guess I don’t do it too often, but then I remember the amazing, beautiful people who’ve changed my life, romantic involvement or not)




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